A number of years ago our then-family-of-5 moved in with my mother-in-law for 7 months while we were listing our home for sale, and deciding either to build or buy a new one. It was tight quarters in a 3 bedroom rancher, with no shortage of challenges you could probably imagine in that situation.
Since most of our stuff wouldn’t fit into the house, we also rented a tractor-trailer (well, just the trailer) to keep on site and access various things needed throughout our stay. Aside from ending up as a treasure cove of sorts for the kids, I also arranged a makeshift office in the back of it, complete with hammock and extension cords providing some light and a space heater.
On top of the living quarters, I was also studying for my CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ final courses and comprehensive exam, while also finishing up some projects at our old home. So my typical day looked like a full day at the office, drive to our old home to work on a few projects, drive to my mother-in-law’s house to spend a little time with the kids, get everyone to sleep, and go back into trailer office to study.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. For months.
During that time, it felt awful.
I felt like we didn’t have a real home. (We didn’t.)
I felt constrained. (We were.)
I felt uncertain of the future plans. (We really didn’t know.)
I felt like I had zero free time and entirely overwhelmed. (Relative, but probably true.)
I felt stuck, cramped, confused, and just angry.
But a funny thing happened the other day. My friend Justin texted me and asked how I was. I was in a reflective mood, and I thought about that time. I looked at the pictures of that trailer (above). I racked my mind trying to summon up those feelings again.
And I found something unexpected: sentiment.
….
It’s kind of a cloudy feeling without much definition, and if I were to put a color on it, maybe I’d say purplish-gray. It wasn’t awfulness, it wasn’t constraint, it wasn’t uncertainty, it wasn’t overwhelm or stuck or cramped or confused or angry.
It really struck me more deeply the more I thought about it. What seemed so bad during the time really wasn’t that bad, at least now that I was looking back on it.
I remember the kids playing in the trailer.
I remember the deer and wildlife almost every morning outside.
I remember seeing the stars more vividly at night.
I remember our kids getting to know their grandma in new ways.
I remember digging in my wife’s family archives of books, awards, and photo albums.
I remember sitting outside in the dark at night after studying with no sounds other than nature.
And I wonder – maybe – if something similar won’t happen during this COVID crisis we’re all experiencing as a world.
I’m not sugar-coating things, I’m not playing Pollyanna. This virus and its impact are both very, very tangible and real. The health, economic, and relationship challenges are very much so visceral. No doubt.
Those of us who are fortunate to still have jobs are mostly working from home, with children who are no longer in schools, who are now requiring more at-home school work while our own work demands and challenges have increased. We’ve all morphed into Frankenstein-type hybrids of workers, parents, teachers, disciplinarians, and IT consultants.
And that’s just for those who aren’t sick. For those who are sick, or are caring for those that are, the stakes are much, much higher.
But we’re going to emerge. Eventually – I won’t speculate when. But we will.
….
And how we will look back at it in the rearview mirror? And how will our kids?
What feels awful, constrained, uncertain, stuck, cramped, confused and angry – is it possible that we won’t remember those feelings? Or if we do that those feelings will be muted?
Is it possible that what seems like excruciating time around our kids ends up providing new memories, new traditions, new activities that otherwise wouldn’t have existed?
Is it possible that as we examine our expenses, we realize we’ve gotten a bit bloated financially?
Is it possible that as we cut back on certain items, we realize that we can get by on having less of certain things in our life?
Is it possible that as our financial plans and projections blew up that we realized we put too get of emphasis on certainty and not flexibility?
Is it possible that as our family calendars have gotten wiped clean, we realize that having a bit more space and margin isn’t a terrible thing?
I don’t know – maybe. I think we certainly have to prepare for these possibilities, and many more.
….
This weekend I came across this quote from Clay Scroggins:
“Turn down the noise low enough and long enough to be ruthlessly curious about your emotions.”
Maybe we should do that. Turn off the noise for a bit – and get clear on how we feel, what we’re scared of, what is really going on in our hearts and our head.
Get clear on these things, and then hold out the very real possibility that if we take a forward looking review back on the present reality of the COVID crisis, we might just see things differently.