Over the past few weeks, Sonya Dreizler has been posting a series of some eye-opening, heart-breaking, and anger-inducing posts titled Do Better – a chronicle of how women in financial services have been sexually harassed and discriminated against in my profession. I can’t help but think this isn’t restricted to our space, however.
While the articles have picked up a ton of steam and shared widely within the financial services community, I’ve yet to really say much, largely because the stories are so hard to read, and I’m not even sure what I can practically do as a man in this space, with a new-ish firm and limited influence. As I’ll disclose, I’m no expert, nor do I feel I can offer a magical solution – but I do feel like I have something to say as a man to other men. And not just to men in the financial services industry, but to men in any industry.
Before I do, a few disclosures.
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One – I’m no expert here. I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to be subject to some of the stories that Sonya has highlighted, and I’m not going to pretend that I have a magic fix.
Two – I hate how this has become a political issue, with even some people calling this virtue signaling or even promotional and marketing gimmicks. It’s not. This is real world stuff, with real people being impacted in real ways. And we need to listen, and we need to talk about it.
Now, the three areas I’ll mention below are good areas to work within, but I think the first place we have to start is just to listen. Read the posts and accounts that Sonya has compiled. Ask women what they’ve experienced. Listen intently to their stories and don’t rush into offering any fix-it’s. As a man, I’m guilty of this too often – hearing a problem and instantly offering a solution. Sometimes we do just need to sit with these uncomfortable stories, listening with our full attention.
This is what I’ve done the past few weeks, and below are things I – as a man – encourage other men to do when it comes to sexual harassment and discrimination against women in any profession.
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Look within
“I can’t ever imagine doing something like that” are incredibly dangerous words. I would certainly hope that I never do any of the things described in Sonya’s stories, but I am self-aware enough to know that I have the capability to do so. Fortunately, I have had the self-control not to.
GK Chesterton, famed writer, philosopher, and theologian, was rumored to have been asked to write an essay on who he thought was the worst person in the history of the world. His response in entirety: “I am.” He knew what he was capable of, what he’s done, and what his internal dialogue sounds like. We’re all capable of doing horrendous things, but most of us have the self restraint to hold back. We all have our own internal messiness that we can’t dismiss, and humbly need to acknowledge (Brent Beshore did an amazing job summarizing this on Dr. Daniel Crosby’s podcast around the 27 minute mark).
Even so, sometimes we still need to ask if we are inadvertently violating others with our words and our actions. Men should know what is appropriate and what is not (more on that below) – but if there’s ever something we’re not sure about, ask ourselves a pretty simple question:
“Would I be okay if some other man said or did this to my wife? To my daughter? To my mother?” If the answer is anything less than a resounding Yes – then chances are we need to not do it. It really is that simple.
Look around
I’m a firm believer in accountability. Accountability to ourselves, but equally so accountability to others. As men, we should call out other men that we see misbehaving. This takes on so many different levels, so let me unpack.
First, create your own inner circle of trusted friends. Give them permission – and encouragement – to call you out when they see you doing something that’s not right, and seek permission and encouragement for you to do the same to them. This is important in real life, and I think it’s just as important in social media circles as well. We should look within, but even when doing so we’re going to have blind-spots we need to be aware of.
Second, if you see something actively happening in front of you – step in. Immediately. Some of the stories that Sonya shared happened when one guy was doing something in the presence of other guys who remained silent. That’s not ok. Yes, it might be embarrassing. Yes, you might look foolish. Yes, you might piss off the other guy. Yes, it might even hurt your career. Do it anyway. The potential emotional scars that you can save from intervening far outweigh the short term discomfort of the confrontation. Maybe it’s something physically happening – inappropriate touching, or worse. Maybe it’s something verbally said – even in jest. Step in and speak up. Don’t be a coward.
Third, if something has already happened and you weren’t able to prevent it, privately talk with the offending man afterwards. Be direct, and if you have an existing relationship bring up some points about how it doesn’t seem within his character. If you don’t have an existing relationship, I think you still can address him and share how it seems grossly inappropriate and you simply wish to express how and why you believe so. In a best case scenario, maybe the guy didn’t realize what he did/said was offensive – and your comment saves future offenses.
This isn’t about how men need to come in on their white horses and rescue women – it’s more about men advocating for women whose careers or even physical safety could be at risk.
Lastly, if speaking privately isn’t an option, then go public. This is what Alex Chalekian did with a certain money manager’s public remarks. In an ideal setting, the above steps would hopefully prevent this “nuclear” option from happening, but we don’t live in an ideal world and sometimes it’s required.
Look down
I mentioned above about self-reflection in that most of us largely know right from wrong, and have the self-control not to do certain things we know are wrong. But why is this? Part of me wonders while reading Sonya’s stories if some of the bad characters didn’t even realize how wrong they were. I don’t say this as an excuse to them – far from it. But I think it’s at least a possibility that they didn’t either (1) know they were wrong or (2) have the self-control to stop acting on it.
I have four kiddos – one daughter and three boys. How can I make sure that I am instructing them in right from wrong? Goodness – it’s a daunting thought. I’m nowhere near perfect in this regard, but these are some of the practices I’ve been trying to instill with my boys specifically.
Stop means stop. This seems silly, but even at this young age in their lives, I want them to know that stop means stop, and no means no. Right now this isn’t sexual – it’s mostly in the form of tickle fests, pillow fights, or general rough-housing. Once one of them says to stop, I stop, and fully expect them to stop as well.
Help, not hurt. I tell my boys that they are to use their muscles to help, not hurt others. I tell them that a lot of the time, boys are stronger than girls – and that they need to be aware of that. Never use your muscles to hurt a girl, no matter what. Use your muscles to help, not hurt. And sometimes that might mean hurting another boy who is hurting a girl, and even if their principal gets them in trouble, I’ll take them out for ice cream.
Model it. Again – I am not perfect. But I try as hard as I can to model gentleness, respect, and love to my wife – their mom – in every setting. I don’t talk down to her, I don’t make jokes at her expense, and I certainly don’t physically harm her. The parenting adage of more being caught than taught is true, and I want them to catch the right things. If we want to change how adult men treat women, then showing our boys when they are young how to treat them well is going to go a long way. On the flipside, if they see us talking down to, verbally or physically abusing, and disrespecting their mom – there’s a decent chance they’re going to think this is normal.
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Once more – I’m no expert here, and I’m not pretending to be one. But if you’re a guy reading this and take nothing else away, take this: sit and listen to the stories of women around us. Listen with empathy, and not with a fix-it mentality. Sexual harassment and discrimination are real – and we need to acknowledge our role in it.